2008/05/22

Teach Me To Fear Nothing But The Loss of You

My computer is usually still sleeping at this time of day but for some reason -- maybe for THIS reason -- I sat down here this morning for a quick look at the internets. Nicked from Susan Russell's Inch At A Time blog, this spoke to me this morning.

Most Loving God, whose will it is for us to give thanks for all things, to fear nothing but the loss of you, and to cast all our care on you who care for us: Preserve us from faithless fears and worldly anxieties, that no clouds from this mortal life may hide from us the light of that love which is immortal, and which you have manifested to us in your Son Jesus Christ our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever.
Amen.

I started crying at the end of the second line.

I have been so discouraged lately. It really has been two steps forward, three steps backward, or something like that. I'm not that good at the math. But, it does seem like things are not moving forward for me. And -- I mean, it just seems cosmically bad.

Realistically, I have a lot to be thankful for. I am in the habit of counting my blessings more than my sorrows. Somehow God has kept me both alive and out of either prison or the nut farm all these years and if that sounds mildly amusing to you... well, you just don't know where I came from.

I am lucky that I know how to be happy when the Sun shines, or if a flower blooms, or an ant crawls. There's hardly anything I won't send up a little prayer of thanksgiving and wonder for. I know what a blessing that is, just to be aware. And I am thankful for that too.

But I also know that I don't have the personal resources that some people have. That is not usually the first thing I think about in the morning but... some days... after sleepless nights. Sometimes my deficits just seem more apparent. I won't bore you with that.

Sometimes my worldly anxieties do cloud my vision. I often totally loose sight of any spiritual reality and fret over all kinds of things. And my troubles seem big to me when they're up close like that.

I wonder if my heart can know God at all or if it's too hard and dumb.

It is time to toddle on back to my study.

Please God, hear me, and teach me to fear nothing but the loss of you.
Abandon not the work of your own hands. Not now... don't give up now.

And then Susan gives us the reading from Isaiah too and I'll paste that in here for you because that's just the kind of blogger I am.

Thus says our God: “At the time of my favor I will answer you, on the day of salvation I will help you. I will keep you, and appoint you to be a covenant people. I will restore the land and assign you the properties that have lain waste. I will say to the prisoners, ‘Come out!’ and to those who are in darkness, ‘Show yourselves!’ ...

8 comments:

FranIAm said...

Oh Lindy, Lindy... I am so moved by your post here. I needed these words too, but that is not the point.

It is hard to express myself here, but I will try. Despite my verbosity, I actually think in images and this is the image generated on my heart, from this post...

Thousands of flowers in the darkness, all tightly closed buds, turning in on themselves. That would be me, you and so many others.

Will the sun rise? Will the day warm? Can we risk our vulnerability by opening our buds?

And slowly as we contemplate those words about fearing nothing but the loss of God, the sun rises, our petals unfurl, touching at the edges and we are abloom and in community, in the light of God.

How my flower needs God, my flower needs the God I see in you.

Diane said...

(((Lindy)))
I know how you feel. I loved this post.

Presbyterian Gal said...

((((Lindy))))

And here you are with this beautiful post on your blog.....showing yourself! In the darkness no more.

pj said...

What they said. (((Lindy)))

Cool widgets on your blog, too. :)

Jan said...

((Lindy)) I've been feeling discouraged lately, too. So I am with you in spirit (and in the same state).

Anonymous said...

I love you, little cousin. I haven't been here in a long time. You should write a book seriously. Hair Brat

Grandmère Mimi said...

Ah, Lindy, I understand. Lovely prayers for those bad days, which I have had a couple of myself, days in which I could not pull myself out of the doldrums, as Fran says, the bud turned in on itself. But they passed, and today is, indeed, a new day, a better day, a more hopeful day, with the bud in flower. Thanks be to God!

sharecropper said...

Out of the depths have I called to you, Lord, hear my voice..... Psalm 137