2009/03/04

Lent is not going well. Not well at all.

Maybe it was the lack of pancakes, or the absence of any real ashes in my life. Or it could be my hard heart. Which do you think? Pancakes, ashes, hard heart... Not too hard to figure out, is it?

I tell you my hatred of the church grows with every holiday that I am left outside. And I do mean to say that I hate it. True hate, not hate relative to, oh, I don't know.... say, broccoli. I hate it. I hate it mainly because I love it. And if any of you can figure that one out then you're one up on me.

Of course I could go into any church I wanted and there is an almost 100 percent chance that I wouldn't be escorted out. Even an Episcopal church. But, could I do it without my heart breaking? That's the question.

I have been very disquieted lately. It's beyond annoyance, more than an irritation. And, I can't even say what it's about. I am just deeply unsettled. Something is wrong.

I am also angry. Really mad. I mean, if you think the young woman who threw her body across Pennsylvania Avenue to protest the administration's AIDS policies was mad... honey, you should see me now. Just add on to that anger and grief twenty years of being a good homo, twenty years of being polite, twenty years of pretending that evil is just another policy position. I've had twenty or more years of being good. I am really not sure how much longer I can do it.

I thought that as I got older I'd see more shades of gray, that I'd be more tolerant of dissent, even a little bit jolly about it. But, it is not turning out like that. I have less and less tolerance for homophobia, racism, and stupidity in general. I just about punched an old man the other day for telling me a racist joke. Me! I don't even kill mosquitoes and I was thinking that I ought to belt that guy. An old man.

See, something is wrong.

I had hoped that if I sat down and started writing that I would come up with a decent blog post but it is now apparent that it's not happening. I did promise a post on honoring your parents a few weeks back so maybe I'll do that later. I have found that if church doesn't want me, at least the blog world does. I need to blog to feel connected. I think I also promised a post about some saint. I believe he was being persecuted by his sister-in-law or something like that. Hummm, wonder why THAT resonates?

Apparently I am going to have a busy evening of interruptions. I am having a big garage sale tomorrow and there is quite a lot more involved than I realized when I lightly made the suggestion. The experience of preparing for the garage sale is a very good incentive for me not to acquire so much stuff in the future.

And, there it is again... time for me to go put out signs. Who knew you had to do that?

16 comments:

Ann said...

Yes -- we love you and your blog (also Rowan's) -- keep writing - put that anger to use here. Have fun selling stuff too. Very cathartic IMO

Ann said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ann said...

also the snow blitz game is fun --- I have to go warm up now.

Diane said...

It makes me sad to see the words "the church doesn't want me." It breaks my heart.

oh, Lindy. yes, we love your blog and we want you.

Jan said...

Lindy, I love knowing you and want your blogging to keep on. Plus, I hope to meet you someday. My daughter hates the church and is probably less open than you are. I'm sorry. It's rotten.

Lindy said...

Well, Jan, drive on over for the garage sale. Seriously, we have to do a meet up. We live too close to one another not to. Would I go near you if I were driving down to Sarita?

Diane, don't be too sad. We all have a path. This one is mine. I haven't been too enamored of it in the last couple of years but this is it.

Ann is right about Snow Blitz and, in retrospect, I wonder if I subconsciously choose it at the beginning of February because my hostile undercurrents were already a'swirlin'. I am a VERY aggressive player. Try it.

Presbyterian Gal said...

Different circumstances, but our last church did not want me. That was a tiny corner piece of what you likely have had to live with all your life and I cannot imagine how horrid that must be. I am awed by your perseverance and fealty to a God who (I am told but don't feel lately) loves us all.

Anyway, your life is happening right now and all this divisive crap in the world should stop now. If we in blogland can give you a corner filled with our love and support, especially after all you give us of yourself, then that's the least we can do directly.

I do feel that something is up out in the ether. And it's not good.

MadPriest said...

Pancakes.

Catherine + said...

I don't know what to say...I have had days, weeks of an incipient undercurrent of rage...yeah, rage...and I can barely keep it under control...but somehow, by the absolute grace of Christ, I do. I had no idea it was like this for you...I meant what I said a few weeks ago...you would feel the love of Christ, the real thing, if you were to ever visit my little parish...you would be so welcome, so very welcome...my heart wants to break at your pain...

Barbi Click said...

Speak out. Rage. Rant.
Who are you mad at Lindy? The guy for telling the racist joke? Or yourself for not saying something.

You hate what you love which you feel doesn't love you. I totally understand that. How can we hate something that we have not loved? Aren't these opposite? Don't we have to have one before we can have another?

Hell, I don't know. But the anger is a sign that we have to do something. Speak louder. Refuse to listen to crap that falls out of people's mouths. Speak the truth AS WE understand it. And walk on.

If they follow, then they follow. If they don't, they don't. Mainly, the road is always open to them, just as it is to us. We are truly building a fire in the wilderness. All are welcomed to partake of the warmth. None are welcomed to put out the fire.

Keep burning, Lindy. You will, whether you want to or not. So, burn, baby, burn. The fire is within you. It is you. You are it. The Spirit lives.

Grandmère Mimi said...

I'm so sorry about your Lent. I hate that the church didn't want you. You could try again.

But, could I do it without my heart breaking? That's the question.

Lindy, I don't know. Do you think that you will try? I'd like to tell you that you can without having your heart broken, but I don't know that to be true.

How did the garage sale go?

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Lindy--this is a serious question. Could you move? You are in what I consider to be Hostile Territory--could you find a place where you would be more welcome? I simply could not live in a place where only some were welcomed...

I have been amazed at how inclusive my own diocese in North Carolina can be. That doesn't mean we are perfect, by any means--but it surprises and delights me to see that we are moving forward. There ARE places--plenty of them--where you would be welcomed with open arms. Just something to think about...and just imagine how much fun Rowan and Jasper could have together! :-)

Pax,
Doxy

Lindy said...

Right, PG, life is what's happening right now. And God does love you, especially when you can't feel it.

MP, that's what I thought. The pancakes.

I am glad for the love at your parish, Catherine.

Oh, Barbi, you know I did say something. That's why people -- and by "people" I mean Tom Fitzhugh -- That's why people say that I'm strident. But, all I said was, "That's not funny, it's just racist." which is neither strident nor particularly effective. Now, what I could do it be like my sister-in-law. She laughs her fool head off and THEN says, "Yaaaaa'llll that's baaaad. It's ray-shul." But, because she laughs real hard first people like her. Also, you can almost always see her cleavage. I just dead pan mine and people think I am strident. Maybe I should show some skin. Whadda ya think?

I'll never go back to church, G'mere. Fool me once, you know... The garage sale was a hit. Lots of people came and hauled my crap away. Haven't decided what to do with the money. Maybe Sweeny United http://www.sweenyunited.org/index.html maybe something else.

Yes, Doxy, I could move. But, I really don't want to and I don't think I should have to. But, I have to. I do have to. I know. This month I've lost two clients. Steady money clients. Two more are cutting back on consulting services. One of those might as well be considered a total loss too. Granted, it's work I hate. But, the money... I liked that part pretty well. So, in addition to needing to move, I am also looking for a job. Looks like change is a'comin' whether I want it or not. -- Jasper looks like a great dog. I know Rowan would love him.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Lindy, show some skin and smile when you say it.

Lindy said...

Is that what you do Grandmere Mimi?

Grandmère Mimi said...

Absolutely! Laughing is a tad over the top, but a smile and a little skin are just about right.