I'm a lover not a fighter. Ask anyone, I just am. I'd pretty much rather throw myself under a train than engage in conflict. Yet, in almost every single job I've had, I was the one who got the dirty work, the war zones, the conflict. I was "The Dirtmeister" when I worked in politics. I investigated the serious incidents for my company. I was the one who facilitated communication between warring factions. I can't even count the number of people I've just walked in and fired. You get sent to do a job, and you do it. You might hate it, but you do it.

The good news is that after al.l that I don't mind being hated, and threats on my life don't really bug me anymore. But, the conflict, I still avoid.

It's pretty easy for me to decide to just let something go. This is sometimes a manifestation of genuine humility. Sometimes being the operative word. Often it is just me wanting to believe that I am exercising humility, which I am generally quite proud about. Or, less frequently, it is me allowing myself the delusion of psychic martyrdom.

It's so thin, almost imperceptible, the line between virtue and sin.

I was just on the verge of letting something -- something fairly minor at that -- letting it go the other day. Then I read this from our friend Brother Thomas Merton:

Laziness and cowardice are two of the greatest enemies of the spiritual life. And they are most dangerous of all when they mask as "discretion."

And then this zinger:

Laziness and cowardice put our own present comfort before the love of God. They fear the uncertainty of the future because they place no trust in God.

...Laziness flies from all risk. Discretion flies from useless risk: But, urges us on to take the risks that faith and the grace of God demand of us....

And so I had to think very, very hard about what faith and grace demand of me. And I had to figure out whether I was exercising discretion, cowardice, or laziness. It turns out to have been pretty much a combination of the latter two. I knew it as soon as I read Merton's first sentence. Knew it immediately.

It's hard to know when I'm being truly good and when I just want to feel that I am being good. The virtue of humility sometimes collides with duty. And, no matter which path you choose, there are traps. Pride and self-satisfaction are lurking like thieves along the path. I don't know if you can ever be sure you've taken the right fork in the road on that. And obsessing about it after the fact is probably as bad as making the lesser choice in the first place. See how you can hardly win in the spiritual life.

I am thinking that I should close with something profound about how it's not about winning. Blah, blah, blah. I am pretty sure I could make you all feel good about that too. But, here's the thing: The kinds of risks God asks of us, the illogic of Jesus' Gospel demands, the risks required may well have us looking foolish, loosing face, loosing friends, loosing the things that this world tells us to value. And, to be honest, that sucks.

It's hard, it's confusing, and it sucks. And yet we continue.
Sometimes there's nothing comforting or profound. We just continue on towards Jerusalem.

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The Merton quotes are from Thoughts In Solitude, Thomas Merton, Shambhala Pocket Classics, Chapter 5.

There's poetry here!